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By KJS
25 People I despise (01/09/05)
There are people out there who we all love to hate, but let's face it, it's not often we get a chance to express this hatred. In this installment, I investigate which kind of people invoke our mass loathing, and why. |
Outspoken morons, spin doctors, pranksters, thugs, show-offs, terrorists, and people who are just plain irritating - just some of the characteristics we hate. Here is my list of 25 of the most easily despised people out there:- |
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Jeremy Beadle
Ah. The trickster. The most annoying man who has ever inhabited this world. This bastard thought it was funny to have people believe that their brand new BMW had been crushed to the size of a rubix cube. I'll tell you what's funny, Beadle - your vanishing act into showbiz obscurity and your ugly, deformed hand. |
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Ken Bates
Arrogant, tight-arsed prick Ken, apart from being an arrogant and tight-arsed prick, invokes my hatred for looking like murderous doctor of death Harold Shipman. Ken is a serial football club chairman, but expects them to run and bring in new players using just about enough money to buy a packet of football stickers. Ken's beard contains Corn Flakes. |
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Lee Bowyer
Supposed racist thug Bowyer has one of those faces that a) you want to hit and b) should be kept under wraps at all times. Lee's mouth can only utter swear words. Nothing more. |
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Craig Bellamy
Foul-mouthed Welshman Craig wows crowds with his speed and trickery on the football pitch, but is another lad who would be better off spending his time extending his vocabulary to a state where he can shout more than just four letter words. He also has a face only a mother could love. |
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Osama Bin-Laden
The obvious choice. Tough guy Osama sends out other people to die for his "cause", killing hundreds in the process, and then hides in a cave. Nice. If I ever met this man I'd rip his bollocks clean off. |
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Abu Hamza
This outspoken radical Islamic gimp is at the centre of terrorism scandals directed towards Westerners (and we all know you're guilty you one eyed shit) and yet the man with the hook for a hand thinks he has a right to live in the UK. He has been quoted as saying "Bin Laden is a good guy. Everyone likes him in the Muslim world, there is nothing wrong with the man and his beliefs." This alone makes him a grade "A" arsehole. |
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J'Lo
This obese hound has given the world 3 things : Crap pop music, piss poor movies and a fat arse. And yet she thinks she's Hollywood royalty. "The Latin Troll" has actually been voted "sexiest woman alive" in recent years, in numerous magazines, and yet I would rather fall foul of a randy, 8 foot, German homosexual than so much as look at her arrogant face. Oh, and if I want to call you "Jennifer Lopez", I fucking will. |
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Mariah Carey
The demon-bitch from hell. The word "diva" was made for this woman. As was the word "contemptible", incidentally. I don't know who the hell she thinks she is, but anyone who travels with an entourage larger than the entire population of Liechtenstein is, in my eyes, a turnip. "Emergency manicurist" indeed. |
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Jade Goody
Talentless, wide-mouthed gobshite Jade first came onto British TV screens while participating in the third installment of the popular "Big Brother" reality show, and now she simply won't go away. While Jade means well, and I'm sure she's a lovely girl, she is quite possibly the most irritating person ever to grace the silver screen. The day Jade stops talking for more than one minute is the day that I will grow breasts, don a purple wig, strip naked and bathe myself in sheep shite. |
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Michael Carroll
This twat is the chav who hit the British headlines when he became the country's most undeserving lottery winner. I was so pleased when Rhino from UK's "Gladiators" knocked seven bags of shit out of him in the "celebrity" boxing match. He also claims he will, one day, be Britain's answer to Eminem. No comment. |
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Alex Ferguson
Proud Scotsman Alex thinks the sun shines out of his arse, which is a coincidence because quite a lot of bullshit comes out of his mouth. Red-faced Ferguson has a fiery temper, and famously caused David Beckham a "facial injury" which required stitches by kicking his shoe at him. Alex has a problem with referees when decisions go against his team, and is the first to kick up a childish fuss when that occurs, but he somehow manages to avoid mentioning the fact that whenever Manchester United play at home, the referee becomes Manchester United's 12th player. Beetroot faced shit. |
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Peter Stringfellow
97 year old Peter has scored with some of the most beautiful young women ever to perform at his notorious gentleman's nightspot, but sadly, sports the worst haircut in recorded history. Thong-wearing, droopy-arsed Stringfellow now claims to have "settled down" with his recently post-adolescent fiancé, but it's only a matter of time before he's buying his way into the pants of another baby-faced dancer. People like Peter should be illegal. |
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Michael Winner
Serial tosspot Winner claims to have bedded 27 million women, while at the same time conveying the image of a constipated gnome licking piss off a toilet seat. The self-proclaimed show-off even says he literally has notches on his bed-posts to prove his conquests. Bullshit, Michael. If you weren't a multi-millionaire film director, you'd be the loneliest ugly man on this planet. |
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Pete Doherty
Skinny, messed-up junkie Pete is the most predictable loser in current tabloid Britain. If I open up a newspaper and there isn't a photo of his puny, sweat-ridden body ambling around after a night on crack, I will be amazed. |
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50 Cent
"Fiddy", named after how much his albums should be worth, is one of a long line of rappers to come out of America who sound pretty much identical. Mundane, monotonous tripe. "You'll find me in the club". Well you'll find me at the bonfire, burning as many of your CD's as I can get my hands on. Mumbling clown. |
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Gary Glitter
Sick child-porn collector Glitter, real name Paul "the cu*t" Gadd, has moved to Cuba, because he is a coward, since his release from prison, where he continues to mingle with children as if butter wouldn't melt in his disgusting mouth. |
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Jonathan King
Pop pervert King is famed for his lop-sided smile. What I would give to wipe it off his face. King claims his child victims were "consenting" as if this makes it OK. However, the numerous "consenting" victims who have bravely come out in the press saying how he ruined their lives would suggest otherwise. The man needs his genitals removing without anesthetic, or better still, killing in a painful manner. |
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John McCririck
Vile tub of lard John only introduced himself to me recently, when he participated in Celebrity Big Brother, as I don't watch horse racing because it's shit. John thought he had a special right to have whatever he wanted in the Big Brother house, and went in childish huffs if he didn't get his own way. This fact, combined with the fact that I saw him pick his nose and eat it, as well as seeing him in vest and Y-Fronts, was too much to take. And that stupid bastard hat he wears is atrocious. Horrible, horrible specimen. |
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Donatella Versace
Look at her. She looks like a mongrelized cross between Dolly Parton, Tina Turner, Marilyn Manson and Hulk Hogan. This mutant has single handedly ruined the Versace company due to her reputation as a drugged up moron and her less than appealing styles. She has more money than sense and she spends it on cocaine and lip implants, while seemingly ignoring her anorexic, starved daughter. Bitch. |
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Paris Hilton
Good for nothing hussy Paris is a prime example of someone who is famous for no reason. No talent, no brain, but the heir to the Hilton hotel chain, Paris continues to annoy us with her sexual exploits and lazy attitude towards everything. Paris has a new dog everyday because she is too lazy to look after them and they die (Since I began writing this article, I have witnessed Hilton's "acting" debut. But if you watch "House of Wax", you will see that my initial exclamation of her having "no talent" still applies). |
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Don King
Fight-rigging, electric-haired murderer Don uses his power as the world's richest and most famous boxing promoter to bribe judges into fixing major bouts for his financial benefit. This most famously occurred when Lennox Lewis pummeled Don's "little baby" Evander Holyfield to a pulp, but somehow came out with only a draw. |
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David Mellor
Breath-of-a-thousand-whippets Mellor is a complete tool with shit opinions, and combined with his awful side-parting and buck teeth, he truly is an awful creature from hell. Mellor made a rancid politician and now makes a slightly worse radio presenter. |
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Bernard Manning
Like hemorrhoids, but less funny, this dick is a right pain in the arse. Material that would have offended Hitler is this fat tosser's bag, and most of it is now so old that he spits out dust when he performs. Bernard fancies himself as a bit of a Mr Popular, when all he is is a washed up fat old man with severely bad taste in everything. |
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Darren Day
Serial fiancé and celebrity Z-Lister Darren, renowned for his pathetic love rat ways, has one of those smug looks about him that tempts you to remove it with a rusty shovel. Darren's TV career was less than successful, as were most of his Mickey Mouse engagements, and he has now resorted to drugs to sort his shit life out. |
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Sod the lot of you.
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