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By Hopper
The Dirty Dozen : Celebrities I’d Rattle and Why? (10/10/05)
Resident potty-mouth Paul Hopper is an expert at lowering the tone. In his first installment, Paul describes the reasoning behind why he would *ahem* "rattle" twelve listed celebrities. |
Last week I had the misfortune of watching channel 4’s offering of ‘Sexology : Obscene Machines’, which aimed to chronicle society's increasing willingness to either become aroused by, or have sexual intercourse with… machines. So I settled down to watch this, knob in hand, expecting to see tits, arse and ladies getting badgered. I was sadly let down. What I experienced disturbed me to my very core… a 60 year-old man graphically describing how he enjoys shafting a life-size, life-like sex doll called Emma. For fuck's sake channel 4 what are you doing to me? I expect this shite from Channel 5, but not you! This is bad enough in itself, but for Christ's sake the man had her rigged up to pulleys attached to the roof, then showed us, at first fucking hand, the various position in which they ‘made love’. Now I’m a fairly broadminded person, but what I was seeing and hearing just wasn’t right. Get this - Not only did this 60 year old fruit cake on occasion forget this doll was fake, he also photographed himself ‘doing her’. Oh, you’re thinking that’s sick, indeed it is, but what is worse, so very, very worse is the fact that he then used his laptop to cut and past pictures of his ex-wife and stick them over the dolls head so it looked like it was her he was rattling - (points for creativity) - then post them on the internet. Disturbed??? This man is one big, vindictive fucking hard on. Worst is, it’s probably someone’s Granddad. "Do you want a Worthies son????" No I fucking don’t Granddad. Granny left you because you put your cock in Cabbage Patch kids, now toss off.
Anyway...
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1: Jennifer Ellison
Why: Fair enough she’s obviously had a tit job but that doesn’t mean shit, they look sweet and probably taste sweet as well. Extra points for being a scouser, adds an element of danger as in the morning you don’t know whether she will have fucked off with your wallet, even if she hasn’t there’s always the danger she’s casing you out for the bigger score, i.e. your T.V and Video. |
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2: Fearne Cotton
Why: I’m sure she went out with that Doherty fella so she is obviously some sort of sexual deviant, plus I’d like to see if I could get my cock up one of her amply sized nostrils. |
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3: Denise Van Outen
Why: She’s filth, but manages to appear nice filth that your Granny would like you to marry, but then again Granny doesn’t know that Ms Van Outen is licking your arse crack of an evening and letting you shoot your man muck on her face. |
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4: That Bird off Brain Teaser on Channel 5 (Alex Lovell)
Why: She’s always happy, shows plenty of cleavage and reminds me a bit of a teacher; and we all wanted to pork a teacher at school. Plus I want to see if she could solve this brain-teaser puzzle OFF SUC KME. |
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5: Fern Britton
Why: Solely because her tits are Mammoth, and she’s always so nice and happy on the telly, she must get some of that aggression out somewhere. I’m gambling on it being in the bedroom... or it might be in the kitchen... |
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6: Lucy Pinder
Why: She’s quite possibly the perfect female form. No doubt the catch will be she’s got the personality of a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle. |
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7: Michelle Marsh
Why: Extremely eager to get her ample mams out at every opportunity and I have it on good authority she gives fellatio like she never wants to breathe. |
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8: Mariah Carey
Why: She started off being this picture of virginal serenity, innocent with the voice of an angel. Now she’s got in with the Hip Hop crew she’s muck, absolute white trash muck. Prime rib for a porking (see what I did there?!). |
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9: Charlotte Church
Why: I remember when she won rear of the year at 16 and we were all sat there questioning if it was wrong to want to kick her back door in? If only I’d known then, what I know now. She’s matured into the council estate slag that’s made enough money to get out of the ghetto, but her genes still remain the same. She will do almost anything after a bottle of Whitestar. Every estate has one. Just the estate is now Notting Hill. |
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10: Jodie Marsh
Why: To see if I could bang her hard enough to make her nose fall off. Achievable I think you’ll agree. |
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11: Jordan (Katie Price) - Not the F1 Team, although they are all cunts
Why: Because Peter Andre’s an absolute shit. During I’m a Celebrity… I was warming to the Aussie, thinking maybe this chap isn’t the total cock sucker I though he was, I mean he was prepared to take on Dwight Yorke’s blind baby - commendable, I wouldn’t look after that twat's pet while he went on holiday let alone his disabled kid - so that was fine until he released that fucking irritating shit house of a single 'Insania'. Bring back the death penalty, I say. |
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12: Abigail Titmuss
Why: Come on now, we’ve all seen the video, let’s not pretend she isn’t filth and she let John Lesley rattle her so I honestly think I’m in with a shout. Down side is she’s shit at cooking as was evident in Celebrity Kitchen, to her it’s just cocking spelt wrong. |
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