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By Lennie
Ronaldo - The Contemptible Twat (18/09/05)
Diving, whining, crybaby Portu-git Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the most famous footballers in the Premier League, if not the world. ATO's Lennie Pepper can't stand the sight of him. |
Cristiano Bastardo Ronaldo. I'll never forget the first time I laid my eyes on this swamp creature, it was 24th of June 2004, and more importantly the Quarter Final of the Euro 2004 tourney between England and Portugal. He was the player on the opposite team who particularly stood out by being the biggest fuck on the pitch. The name of his game was sticking his foot into as many English legs as possible, diving a hell of a lot, and that really really fist-clenchingly annoying 'scream as you fall over, hold a limb and open your mouth as wide as possible' trick that he seems to have perfected to a tee (see picture).
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Don't get me wrong now, he was a slimy little eel, gave our wingers and full backs a real run for their money on a few occasions. Gave Ashley Cole the slip about 14 times - does he realise he is a defender any more? Gary Neville was more confused than Scooby Doo when old Ronny did his blurry feet thing.
So we started off with an early goal - 'great, its in the bag' we all assumed. Sven had other ideas. 'Surely if we have 10 defenders then we can't lose!' he shrieked to his mate Steve McClaren. About an hour and a half later they pulled one back thanks to the ex Spurs chocolate fireguard Helder Postiga, which forced the game into extra time. Then it went to a shootout and I can still see his smug lumpy face after he scored his penalty, I thought that crooked smile would haunt me forever once the game was over.
But now another image takes its place in my mind. After the Apple & Blackcurrants beat us they beat Spain or someone in the semis then had to play their final against Greece. What a walk in the park that was to be!
Sadly, Portugal LOST. The image that I am talking about has been one of my favourite MSN display pictures over the past year - Cristiano Bastardo Ronaldo weeping his little fucking eyes out. Seeing the pain on the shithead's face really made me feel better about the Quarter Final, and in my view made losing completely worthwhile. I distinctly recall standing in front of the TV, pointing at the screen and making an 'AAAAAAAAAAH' noise as the tears dripped off his face.
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Then the sadness of Euro 2004 drifted away shortly after. Ronaldo was plying his trade at Manchester Utd (still can't believe no one has missiled him yet) working his magic in the FA Cup against the likes of Exeter - brilliant game, anyone see it? Bastardo was constantly getting eaten alive by the non-league minnows right winger, and frequently fell over his own feet much to the amusement of the fans. Roars of laughter rang out all around the stadium every time one of his magical maneuvers fucked up. He was subbed off after a small spell on the pitch. I honestly now believe that not even Man Utd fans like him.
Anyway, the point of this article? None really, I just felt that this twat deserved an article about how much of a cunt he is. Every pundit and journalist constantly bigs him up and I am sick of the bias because I know he has a legion of haters. I should probably take him out of my fantasy football team, he's getting me fuck all points.
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